To some, boundaries can sound like a cold harsh word or method to keep people out. Well, they do set limits to protect you. Having healthy boundaries is a not only a good thing to do for yourself but also for others. Many people, especially women feel they must say “yes” to everything, or they will be perceived as a “you know what.” There is a difference in thoughtful boundaries and impenetrable walls that keep others out to isolate you.

It is a widespread issue that frequently is unrecognized. When a bully cannot verbally or emotionally put you into compliance, it means a bad day for him/her. His needs are not being met when you set limits and enforce them.

How Expensive Are Weak Boundaries?

It is costly to have weak boundaries. People learn they can push you around and do so at your peril. First, your limits are unclear. Your word is not reliable. One minute you say “yes” and the next minute “no” to the same situation. This confuses people and puts you in a weak situation. By saying “yes” to EVERYTHING you create unrealistic expectations for yourself. This leads to burnout and exhaustion. Trying to meet the needs of everyone else while neglecting your own needs is fraught with danger. How can you do your best when your tank is on empty? Hint: You cannot.

Team Players Have Boundaries

We hear how important it is to be a team player. Job descriptions often tout this as a requirement to be hired. We lose sight of what it means to be a good team player. Saying “yes” to every request for the sake of the team is not what it means. When you play on a team, everyone contributes, not just a few. To be a good team player is to accept responsibility for your part of the project, contribute your best work, deliver on time, and support others to do the same. Have you ever been on a team when one or two do extraordinarily little and are completely happy to let the high performers do 99% of the work? Yet, at the end, everyone wants to claim credit for the success of the project. A good team player does not forsake healthy boundaries. In contrast, she can make her best contribution to the team because of clear limits.

Steps to Set Boundaries and Make Your Best Contribution:

• Be clear about your priorities. Everything is NOT a top priority.
• Determine what is essential to support your values. Take a high-level view and include all facets of your life.
• Assess how long a task or travel will take to accomplish. Add extra time because it always takes longer than you think.
• Delete items on your list of priorities. This provides time and energy for the top priorities.
• Play full out with confidence of a good decision when you say “yes,”.
• Say “no” without guilt. Be prepared to miff some people who ultimately will respect your clarity.

Here’s What I have Learned

After some hard-won experience, I know what works best for me. I make it a practice to have everything ready a week in advance of an event. For a two-day corporate retreat or an all-day workshop, the preparation is more involved than for an hour meeting, for example. With a week’s lead time, there’s time to correct a mistake or to overcome an obstacle. For instance, I took my information to the print shop to prepare the poster sized worksheets for a retreat. I learned their equipment was out of service for maintenance for 48 hours. Had I waited until the day before the event, it would have been catastrophic. With my “week in advance” discipline, I am confident and organized to deliver a great experience the day of the event for my client. Even if something unexpected happens on site and it often does, I can deal with it a lot more easily.

If your business uses a lot of equipment like a construction company, for example, it is important to keep the equipment well maintained and in good working order. Maintenance is not glamorous, but it does save you time and money in the long term. Tempers are short and anxiety runs high when the piece of equipment needed to complete a project on schedule is out of commission. To be meticulous about a maintenance schedule, minimizes stress because you are confident you have the tools to do the work. As a woman running a business in a male dominated industry like construction, it’s a real confidence builder to have what you need when you need it. 

In the Final Analysis

Having healthy boundaries is a hallmark of mental fitness. This requires clarity about your values, identifying your top priorities, and discipline to honor your limits.

To make your biggest contribution, it is important to stay focused on what matters most. To keep your eye on the prize, you must minimize distractions that pull you off the mark. With thoughtful, healthy boundaries, you create the space to do your best work. Not only do you do your best work, but you also create space for others to do the same. The more you use the muscle to claim your boundaries, the stronger it becomes and the easier for you.

When you operate in the mode of ease and flow, your productivity improves. No more frenetic activity that looks important but doesn’t produce strong outcomes. People on your team find it easier to work with you. An unexpected result of improving your mental fitness is stronger relationships, professionally and personally.